A place for prayer.
But apparently not
Published on May 10, 2007 By Hazel Target In Dating
It came to me today that I have no idea how to be miserable. Most of the time, I feel just fine. When good things happen I am happy. When sad things happen I am sad. And the fact that I have loved and lost never seems to register; whatever inner tragedy I have suffered crashes futile against the rocks. I see no difference between my life with and my life without.

Except that, at night, I am filled with a frantic energy that might be joy or rage or despair but not something in between--because this feeling is the opposite of "in between." Sometimes I sprint until my breath refuses to come; sometimes I punch the back of my couch until my knuckles open and bleed; sometimes blare heavy metal and lay on my bed in the dark and feel the emotion swell like angry shores in a rising tide.

Except that, in the morning, I turn over and sleep again, having forgotten the reason I woke up in the first place. My dreams are beyond reach, but perhaps they hold the answer.

Except that, whenever I am asked how I am, some rogue whim ambushes my casual response and replaces it with a cosmic melancholy that, even when shaken, clings like damp clothing on a cool autumn day.

Until today, I thought perhaps I had escaped without a scratch. How curious to realize that I live deep within the chasm of my own wound. When it heals, where will I live, I wonder? Anywhere, I suppose, where she has not left a scar.

Comments
on May 10, 2007
There is a saying,"It is better to love and lost than to not loved at all." Initially your statement sounds normal. The way the majority of people feel about good and bad. Happy and sad. You say that you see no difference in your life with or without. Maybe that is how you see it but it certainly isn't the way you feel it. Your defenses are strongly entrenched.
Why would misery be an easy lesson? Is grief and loss difficult to experience? Regardless of the intensity of emotions that you have for someone there is still a grieving process that you go through. We all have defenses to protect ourselves. Hurt is a very difficult emotion to process. Misery is multifaceted. Inclusive of what I do, who I am, our ego strength.
You are hurt and very angry. Angry to the point that you cause harm to yourself. Who is the anger directed at? The person that was part of the relationship? Or is it more focused on yourself. When you examine this senerio, it is you that is paying the price. Becomming rageful to the extent that you are causing injury to yourself. The couch can take it. The person that the anger is directed toward isn't feeling it and for all intensive purposes doesn't even know the extent and the magnitude of the feeling. That is unless the person is you. If you are in fact feeling miserable, what is your pay off to continue feeling that way. If there were no pay off, you would change that behavior.
The way you express yourself is indicitive of an intellectual. One that doesn't let a lot slip down to the heart. It is much easier to rationalize, justify and intellectualize than it is to honestly deal with emotions. The choice is yours. Continue and become much more familiar with misery or begin to take control back. You become a much stronger person when you focus on empowering yourself. You will not regret loving again. Allow yourself. Good luck

















on May 10, 2007
JP--Just to make one thing clear, I didn't mean what I said in a masochistic way. Not that I don't have a streak of masochism; I just know its place.

In my experience, my problem is usually pushing away misery too quickly, not embracing it too tightly. I feel that I have the mental fortitude to push it away, but I think my best hope of healing is in allowing myself to hurt. It hurts because something's wrong, you know? So I don't want to just "get over it" too quickly.

Thanks for your encouragement and advice. I'll take them to heart. Take care.
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